Tag Archives: stress

Oct 23 2012

What Are We Without Empathy?

Empathy

Empathy (Photo credit: TonZ)

I was watching the other day a documentary about a serial killer and how he tortured his victims. I hate such types of programs yet what interests me about them is how the criminals they talk about can ‘have the heart’ to hurt fellow human beings or even anything living at all. The documentary explained eventually that when the criminal’s brain was scanned, it was concluded that the special place for Empathy inside his brain had been damaged in an accident when he was a child, for which reason, he was feeling no pity nor repentance while committing those crimes.

This all drove me to wonder ‘WHAT are we without empathy?’, and the reason why I am choosing to use the word ‘what’ as opposed to ‘who’ is because the latter indicates that the individual is still considered a human being, which may entail that he or she may actually have feelings underneath the corrupted crust inside his or her brain.

So ‘what’ do we become without empathy?

In order to answer that, we should have a look at what Empathy means and entails.

Dr. Daniel Goleman in his world-famous book “Emotional Intelligence: Why EQ Matters More Than IQ” mentions an incident in Germany, whereby a bike driver had been hit by a car, and remained laying flat to the side of the road completely ignored. He said drivers in surrounding cars were looking at him without feelings/impressions on their faces awaiting their traffic lights to turn green.  It may seem surprising to you or to most of us, but obviously it wasn’t surprising to those fellow drivers who didn’t even care to take that poor biker to the hospital.

Some may say that in this day and age, chivalry has almost disappeared from our glossary. There may not be time for it basically. Also, since time equals money to most of us, then actions that may delay us, can be easily assessed as futile. Some may say that life has become all about money. Others may acknowledge that and still see that there are those who are considered leaders socially who always make this extra step that no one else seems willing to do, without asking anything in return, and despite the fact that he or she may be late to their appointments as a result.

So it boils down to one’s ethics too. So for example, if a manager appreciates the concepts of family, he may not accept that his employees remain after working hours trying to make ends meet, because he may value and acknowledge that his employees actually deserve a rest, family time and right to have a life. Therefore, meanwhile he may push his employees’ performance and urge them to progress with more passion, he would still remind them that work is just part of their lives, and not a reason to forget about life.

However, when we say ethics, we may associate that with a higher brain functionality, one that is totally contradictory to the basic needs (instincts) of a primitive mind. Yet in fact, ethics can also be an organic product of one’s feelings and one’s own level of emotional intelligence. It is like looking inward towards yourselves and emotions with the same lens, through which you look on other people’s feelings outside of you, thus, being able to establish an understanding or a connection between you and them. The more you learn to discern your emotions, the more expert you become in doing that, which in turn translates into better relationships and success in connecting with others. In other words, it is said that one who understands one’s own feelings is usually more effective in responding to other people’s feelings in return. This goes along the famous quote by Plato: “Know Thyself“.

So empathy basically is discerning your own emotions and learning to discern others’ the same way, to a degree that you put yourself in their place and imagine how it would be to be experiencing what they experience. Sounds too much, especially in this fast-paced age, but actually we see aspects of empathy wherever we go. As a matter of fact, it has been proven scientifically that we are wired for empathy. For example, if we watch someone down the street walking with a heavy stack of books or boxes, we automatically shrink our faces and imagine that we are the ones who are carrying that load.

Empathy is also proven to exit naturally in human from a very young age, like when a child sees another child that’s crying. It automatically starts crying too. If a child sees happy kids, he or she automatically starts mimicking that in return. Even most animals have different degrees of genuine empathy. We can see this in a mother animal caressing her children, or when we see two swans leaning their heads against one another forming a shape of a heart.

So how would a natural quality that allows humans, despite all of their differences (age, race, faith, gender, etc.) connect and unit with one another any time anywhere? How valuable is this unique quality to us? Are we willing to oppress it or improve it?  Is it worth stopping to help out someone who seems in dire need of help?

On the other hand, what happens if we oppress our own feelings of empathy? Does this make us less human? What would a person become without empathy? I was thinking of all these questions,and realized that human fixation can be as deep as a black hole. The more one looks inwards, the more experiences one is exposed to. It also depends on the way you are looking. For example, there are those who look inwards with a loner’s attitude, reminiscing of a happy past or negatively dwelling on how unlucky one had always been. The result of such perspective conjures up even more sadness, loneliness, sense of isolation and negativity. Also, too much inward fixation can lead to a major shift of attention to the outside world and the healthy human need to socialize with other people and integrate with new potential happy encounters. When one is too focused on pitying oneself, the less empathy one is going to feel for others, thus the more distant one may become to surrounding happenings and people around one or in the world.

Empathy is said to bring people closer to one another by being able to identify with each other’s feelings and needs. It is also said to be the mother of compassion. Alfred Adler described it as “seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another, and feeling with the heart of another.”

Eyebrows can also help portray empathy.

Eyebrows can also help portray empathy. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Eyebrows can also help portray empathy. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

On the other hand, individuals with an abusive or aggressive past may lack empathy too, as their past experiences may have turned them into beast-like humans: aggressive, selfish or a victim to one’s own primitive instincts that once they get fulfilled, one may repetitively yearn for more. Some scientist once said such individuals become more like vampires or human predators. Vampires don’t have empathy, and the more they drain a human of blood, the more blood they crave.  However, both modes (the introvert and predator) can share one common tendency, which is to constantly seek sensual satisfaction through whichever way possible, and they can become not deterred by ethical or moral inhibitions that a healthy person shuns away from.

So all that brings us to the main question, which is the title of this article: What (not Who) Are We Without Empathy?
“A human being is a part of a whole, called by us “universe”, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest… a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”  Albert Einstein

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Oct 8 2012

Stress Makes Us Less Intelligent and More Physically Sick

One key reason why the sciences of Emotional Intelligence and Cognitive Behavioral Psychology are gaining more fame nowadays is because they are succeeding in explaining the physical implications of our beliefs and feelings. Feelings have been marginalized for centuries, as they have been considered to make ‘weaker’.

IQ or mathematical intelligence has been considered the key indicator of intelligence for ages. Yet, many intelligent and professionally successful individuals are still unhappy.

How about beliefs? What are beliefs?

Beliefs are the filters that we go on in life composing and looking at life’s events from behind them. These filters are also managing the way we feel and interact with those events. As a result, people whose beliefs are negative, end up with a poor health, and those with positive beliefs live longer, have healthier bodies and are generally more successful in surviving than those with negative beliefs.
Does this mean our health, success and happiness are all subject to operations that happen inside our brains, rather than anywhere else in our bodies?

Certainly! It has been proven that whatever the brain thinks and feels about a particular topic, it is interpreted and manifested in physical ways. Feelings trigger thousands of chemicals that flood our bodies and blood stream at the same time we are experiencing them. Remembering them also can trigger the same kind of chemicals.

Therefore, feelings should not be marginalized. Rather, they need to be viewed and monitored. The types of chemicals that are triggered when we are sad, mad, angry or stressed for example can have an even more powerful effect than an actual accident physically affecting the body.

Check out this amazing documentary that is definitely worth watching to the end by Dr. Bruce Liptop, who explains the Biology of Belief, and how beliefs can actually lead us to make less intelligent choices in life, get increasingly more sick, and jeopardize our lives:

Be kind to yourself. This is the real secret to a better health, a happier life and a more successful life path.

Cheers!

Jul 24 2012

TEDxNASA – Rita King – Creativity and Design of Identity and Community

Very Interesting!

Jul 14 2012

Finally Found The Time, What’s Next?

Have you ever postponed some thing you really wanted or needed to do until you had a long Wanna-Do List later that never got fulfilled?

Have you ever wished for extra time to sleep a bit more, read longer, or do something different?

After you’ve finally found the time, have you found yourself doing something else, like flicking through TV channels, spending most of the day in bed or on the couch feeling drained of energy?

How come we have energy when we go to work, cater to our kids’ needs, and run errands? How come when we finally get some free time to do something we had long wanted to do, we feel we lack energy? Answers to these questions may vary, but the main difference between having energy to work, and running after our kids or doing some chores, is that we may be acting under the mighty effect of Adrenalin and other stress hormones.

On The Doctors’ show, the doctors once talked about Leisure Sickness, which is basically falling sick or feeling poorly on your vacation. Seems unfortunate but true. As long as one feels stressed about certain tasks, stress hormones continue to mask one’s feelings of exhaustion and illness on days of work or activity. However, on vacation, stress may fade away, which gives way for other important feelings to surface, like feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, blocked, confused, anger, etc. This usually take the form of fatigue, colon disorders,  irritable bowel syndrome, headaches, etc.

Therefore, one should always keep checking in with oneself, especially health-wise, in order to discern any health hazards, which may imply taking more free time to rest, relax, and meditate, in order to regain one’s balance.

Now, let’s move to another aspect of non-productivity during one’s free time, weekend or vacation, which is feeling spaced out, not knowing where to start first. You know you always had a Wanna-Do list (as opposed to the familiar To-Do List, which you may normally rush to fulfill), but when you seem to have extra time on your hands, you may find yourself staring in space for a while, watching too much TV, indulging in food, etc.

Why is it when we finally get some time off, instead of doing things we long wanted to do, we end up doing something else or nothing at all that day? Have you noticed how when a goal is relevant to your own awareness of what you really need and want to do, it may take the backseat, and become labelled as “Can Do Later”?

Tim Gallway in his book The Inner Game of Work, says: “Perhaps we all realize that as human beings we have a tendency to get in our own way.” Our brains may get quite overwhelmed by the long lists of “Must-Do”s and “Should-Do”s. To motivate ourselves further (when we know we’re running out of energy), we may start bullying selves in order to do things that help us achieve goals that are socially praiseworthy, like over-delivering at work showing everyone else that we are successful, popular and in demand. Society (family, friends, school, work, etc.) have made us very aware of what should be done, what is accepted and what is not.

Yet, we may be lucky enough to have a second dream; a dream whereby we really aspire to do something we really want to do that truly aligns with who we are. This may include a career change, the choice to quit work and stay home to take of one’s kids, the need to take some time off or travel to a different country seeking a change in perspective, etc.

Obviously, change is not easy and many of us fear it, since we are creatures of habit (security). We may be wanting to do certain things so bad, but we keep placing conditions on them: “When I have the time, I will sit and reflect. Then, I will take some time off, then I wanna quit my job. I want a better job”, etc.

Gallway talks about the pressure we perceive and confine ourselves to whenever we think of the work we need to do: “Each time I take a committed step toward working free, I can feel the chains begin to tighten. The bonds of unconscious habit pull me back as if I’m attached by a rubber band to a post. The first few steps are not so hard, but tension builds as I take each step away from my routines. When stretched to the limit, I have felt the force snap me all the way back in the opposite direction, leaving me no choice but to start the journey again. Perhaps the quest for true freedom must at some point expose that central post to which the band is tied. This freedom I pursue is an innate freedom, not one granted by a person or society. Its pursuit requires a fundamental redefinition of “work.”

Basically, our brains are the Control Units in our entire bodies. So the brain perceives, interprets and then sends out actions to be done by the body. To the brain, that is its truth! Gorgias said: ‘What is right but what we prove to be right? and what is truth but what we believe to be truth?’

Now, you may ask: How come we feel pressured to do things we always wanted to do on our free time?

Because we may be so busy during the week, when we finally get a bit of free time on our hands, we may feel like we want to jam everything we wish to do in this tiny window of opportunity. Just perceiving this lee way as a limitation, we may feel some kind of pressure to start with things we wish to do first (i.e. prioritize).

On the other hand, some of the things we postpone to do in our spare time may be more personal and serious, like looking for a different job, writing a resignation letter, etc, to which we already feel pressure already. Our sense of pressure toward this personal matter may derive from our strong wish to achieve this goal yet fear we may fail to do so. Therefore, this paradox of feelings may pose a greater pressure on the brain, who is telling our body: “I gotta do this right. If I fail, I’ll suffer from the consequences.”

Sometimes, when the topic is very personal and we want it really badly, some of us may feel they have already failed just from the negative way of thinking about it. This may lead the thinker to feel like a failure, a loser, a slacker, etc. Of course, such people may be suffering from a low self-esteem, as they often beat themselves by themselves just through thinking. Therefore, someone who may have postponed doing something until they have got some free time to do so, may end up spending the day on the couch doing nothing at all.

So how can one get out of the rut and actually do what one wants to do?

This article will be continued.

Follow us as we go explore next what a coach may do to help such clients beat their gremlins and actually succeed in whatever they wish to do.

Jun 9 2012

Texting That Saves Lives

Jun 9 2012

Ten Signs You’re Depressed But Don’t Know It

Depression affects so many people that it is often called the common cold of mental illness. The Centers For Disease Control estimates that 19 million Americans suffer from it. At some point in their lives, 10% to 25% of women and 5% to 12% of men will become clinically depressed. The sputtering economy and tenuousness of the job market doesn’t help: The Consumer Confidence Index just plunged to its lowest level since 1980.

Depression is no fashionable affliction. In it is real, insidious, and when in full bloom, debilitating. Yet far too many people are oblivious to their own deep sadness or simply refuse to recognize it. Emotional vulnerability? Verboten–especially among the achiever set. They’re less likely to ask for help than Tea Party members are to ask for a tax hike.

Ignorance and denial are not cures for depression. They are guarantees that when you finally own up to your sadness, it will kick you a hell of a lot harder than when you started suppressing it.

Here are 10 ways to detect depression early and let the healing begin.

1. You are over-confident and fearless.

Many people–and especially high achievers–cope with depression by acting in ways opposite to how they feel. (Shrinks call this “escapism.”) Engaging in daredevil pursuits, be it  mounting a takeover of a rival company or quitting your job to open a restaurant, makes you feel invincible, when you’re really in the dumps. There is a method to this madness: The major cause of depressions–those not born of biochemical imbalances, of which there are plenty–is feeling out of control or helpless. Achievers loathe that feeling and fight like hell to deny it through action. But that, ultimately, won’t work.

2. You’ve gone from one drink with dinner to three before appetizers.

“Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.” Bernard Shaw’s observation is as true now as it was then. Drinking alcohol is the most common tactic people take to self-medicate emotional pain. The problem with this strategy is that when you finally recognize the pain driving you to drink, you’ll have two disorders to contend with rather than one.

3. You’re obsessed with achievement in bed.

Have a limp libido? Going on a Hugh-Hefner-like tear may not lift your spirits.  If you find you’ve traded serial monogamy for seducing any partner that will have you, there is a good chance you’re trying to keep depression at bay.

4. Conflicts quickly escalate into fights.

One common but exceedingly dumb way to dull the feeling of helplessness brought on by depression is to show people you’re nobody’s patsy. Get cut off on the highway? Run the bastard off the road. Have an idea shot down at a brainstorming session? Take the opinionated punk outside and pummel him. If you’re lucky, maybe you’ll have enough bruises to distract you from your emotional pain.

5. You feel nothing.

Rather than be sad, many people would choose to forgo feeling altogether. But some people end up getting stuck in neutral–dooming them to invite the same pain again and again. Worse, this zombie-like approach creates anxiety in those around you and alienates those who care for you.

6. You can’t stop socializing.

Immersing yourself in group activities sounds healthy–and for many people it is. However, if the sole purpose is to keep you from wrestling with your thoughts and feelings, having a brimming social calendar is not the answer (and you probably won’t be all that fun a companion anyway). Like the toxic mortgage securities still stinking up bank balance sheets, you have to flush out the dreck before you can start investing anew.

7. You can’t concentrate.

Everyone suffers from scattered thoughts now and again. Those who are depressed but who possess too much control to act out recklessly may do so in fantasy. But how to distinguish a healthy daydream from potentially dangerous ones? Healthy dreams involve changes in your life that you can realize in a handful of steps. Unhealthy ones take you from middle-class to movie-stardom overnight.

8. You have trouble accepting praise or goodwill.

Martin Seligman, the psychologist who revolutionized our thinking about depression, studied the behavior of dogs that were given electric shocks. Eventually, they would lay helplessly in their cages, not responding to tugs on their leashes that would have moved them to safety from the shocks. The human corollary: If you find yourself ignoring favorable gestures or simple interpersonal warmth, chances are you’re not a malcontent. You’re depressed.

9. You work harder, not smarter.

When people are depressed, they have trouble seeing novel solutions to their problems. Instead, they do more of the same. The classic example is trying to exercise your way to happiness: If you already log a few hours a week at the gym, spending another 30 more minutes every day may briefly lift your spirits. But that relief is ephemeral. When it dissipates, get off the treadmill and get to the root of what’s bothering you.

10. You laugh and cry at times that don’t call for it.

In psychiatry, the concept “inappropriate affect” refers to behavior that is emotionally out of sync with the stimulus that prompted it. People who are depressed but do not know it exhibit a unique variant of this problem: They over-react to insignificant sadness, and ignore major league bad news.

This flavor of depression, a stepchild of alexithymia which causes a gross lack of appropriate feelings, can really make you feel out-of-control.  I first came across it when one of my clients told me of taking his children to the movies: “I cried in the theater when a deer lost its mother,” he said, “but when my partner handed me the legal papers demanding a dissolution of our business, I threw them in my ‘In Box’ and proceeded to order lunch.”

A peaceful pierside scene of calm water at Sol...Image via Wikipedia

Abraham Maslow, one of America’s most influential psychologists, observed: “What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself.” Fess up to how you feel so you can fight on.

You’ll be amazed at how relieved you’ll feel when you do.

Nominate A Contender For Forbes’ List Of America’s Most Promising Private Companies

See also:

Five Ways To Overcome The Fear of Chasing Your Dream

How To Tell Someone They’re Wrong (and Make Them Feel Good About It)

Jun 6 2012

The Power of Introverts by Susan Cain

Jun 4 2012

Bad Habits At Work You Don’t Know You Have

by HEATHER MCCULLIGH | Jun 29th, 2010 | Performance Management | 0 Comments
By Mary Montserrat-Howlett

A habit is something you can do without thinking – which is why most of us have so many of them. ~Frank Howard Clark

Who would we be without our habits? Without those little idiosyncrasies and automatic routines that distinguish one person from the next? Our habits, good and bad, play a paramount role in defining who we are, and subsequently, how others judge our character. In a work setting, our habits can have a significant impact on how we function, how productive we are, on our performance appraisal and how our colleagues perceive us. So it’s no surprise that exercising good habits can influence the success of our careers.

Given that we’re all marked by our habits, this article will outline some of the major bad habits we may be exhibiting in the workplace that we may not be aware of, but that could be impeding our careers. Being aware of our behaviors in our work environment can help shift a bad habit cycle and transform it into a positive working routine.
Top 10 Bad Work Habits

  1. Isolating Yourself
  2. Avoiding Work
  3. Resisting Change
  4. Being Negative
  5. Gossiping
  6. Procrastinating, Then Rushing
  7. Being Disorganized
  8. Not Sharing Experience
  9. Sharing Too Many Experiences
  10. Always Taking Things Personally

The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change. ~Eng’s Principle

The first step to breaking a bad habit is to recognize it. In 5 Steps to Breaking Bad Habits and Being More Productive, Shelley Doll suggests keeping a journal to track how you spend your days at the office, including things like start and end times, locations, and participants. Performance review software is also fantastic at aligning employee performances with company objectives.  You may be surprised by what you discover about yourself in your work environment. Taking note of how you spend your day will also help you to identify your “triggers” and understand what sets off your bad habits and your good ones. You can then work on creating positive habits to replace the negative ones, for each of the triggers.

Bad Habit 1: Isolating Yourself


If you want to argue that the point of being at work is to work, you’re right. But if you find yourself rarely participating in conversations, it can have undesired consequences that affect you and those around you.
You’re not obligated to like everyone; not everyone has to like you either. However, having good manners and a friendly disposition can go a long way. Just think about how significantly your day can change when someone smiles at you. It’s the simple gestures such as smiling, making eye contact, saying hello when you walk in and good bye when you leave that yield unprecedented results in the long run. Participating in work activities, going to lunch, these also give you the opportunity to get to know co-workers in a different setting. These small efforts are at the forefront of maintaining harmonious relationships with your colleagues and enabling what is called group synergy, a group intelligence that emerges from the collaboration of many individuals.

Bad Habit 2: Avoiding Work

woman-avoiding-work-290x218
(image: source)

If you find yourself continuously hesitating to take on new projects or are exceptionally skilled at finding someone who can do a task “better than you”, you may inadvertently be denying yourself the chance to learn something new. True, sometimes there is someone better to handle a job but don’t get confused; there is a big difference between delegating work and simply avoiding it. Where delegating is an aptitude for assigning specific tasks to the appropriate people, avoiding just means not doing the work at all. The more work you offload, the more pressure you put on others. While this doesn’t entail saying “Yes” to every task, showing your willingness to help and find solutions reflects positively on you and your work ethic. It may well encourage others to want to work with you, or recommend you for important projects in the future.

Bad Habit 3: Resisting Change


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Often times, people aren’t comfortable with change. The mere fact that “We’ve done it this way for 30 years” makes them resistant to new ideas. Coupled with this resistance is often a deep-seated fear of change. Overcoming this fear sometimes takes pretending: embracing something that makes you feel uneasy, anxious or scared. Change will happen with or without you, so it’s up to you to either take part in it or watch it from the outskirts. If you truly feel that a new method of doing something will be counterproductive to the company’s goals, express your concerns, but have a set of alternatives that you think could work as well, or better.

Bad Habit 4: Being Negative


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“Disappointment requires adequate planning” ~Richard Bandler

The “Negaholic”, as coined by Dr. Cherie Carter-Scott, is a person who is addicted to negativity in thought, word, or behavior. Negativity can be highly contagious and spread rapidly in an office setting. Being negative is a vicious cycle that’s easy to fall into. It can quickly become second nature and make you begin to think, feel, and believe that you are insufficient to meet the challenges that are being presented to you. You may also resort to putting the blame on factors outside yourself rather than examining within.

There’s nothing as energy-sapping as having to deal with a spiteful, pessimistic co-worker. One of the first habits to get into when trying to overcome the negative cycle is to focus on the bright side of things. Life isn’t always perfect. Things do go wrong, but even when they do, if you focus your energy towards what you’ve learned from a bad situation, you can manage it better in the future. Being able to accept a situation and move forward is fundamental to having a positive outlook.

Bad Habit 5: Gossiping


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Humans may be curious creatures, but there’s a fine line between being inquisitive and being a nosy gossip. See if you can find a trigger to the gossiping behavior. If you tend to gossip over lunch, maybe you have to rethink going to lunch with people who gossip. Conversations with co-workers always demand a certain level of discretion in order to protect people’s privacy and respect their boundaries. Asking too many personal questions and meddling in people’s private affairs can make them feel cornered and uncomfortable. If someone wants to involve you, you will be brought in the loop.

Bad Habit 6: Procrastinating, Then Rushing


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Some people say they work best under pressure but procrastination becomes a problem when it begins to impede your performance. Projects get delayed, you get stressed, and the quality of your work can suffer. Some habits that may contribute to your procrastination are personal phone calls, long breaks, surfing the Internet for non-work related purposes, or even playing online games. When the deadline finally arrives, the work may be complete but the results are only mediocre. The best way to break a habit is to drop it. Quitting procrastination takes a good schedule, a time management solution, and dedication.

Bad habits are easier to abandon today than tomorrow. ~Yiddish Proverb

Bad Habit 7: Being Disorganized (That includes your desktop!)


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If scattered documents, clutter, and a Great Wall of Coffee Cups have taken over your workstation, it’s time to reclaim your land. Trying to be productive in a chaotic workspace is about as effective as trying to walk with your feet tied. You find yourself struggling to move but never getting anywhere. You make things much easier on yourself when you don’t have to spend time searching for things, and aren’t distracted by all the stuff around you. It’s also nice to not feel overwhelmed and frustrated by your surroundings. Feng Shui experts claim that your workspace represents your state of mind. The cleaner and more organized your workspace, the more balanced and focused your mind can be.

Habit 8: Not Sharing Experience


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Do you have the habit of doing instead of teaching? Doing without explaining how you do it? Sharing your knowledge with others is an important part of talent management and a positive habit that renders everyone capable of sharing responsibilities and promoting group synergy. Take the time to show someone how something is done. Let them ask you questions until they understand. The more everyone knows about how to do each other’s job, the more effectively you work as a whole.

Habit 9: Sharing Too Many Experiences


If you find yourself sharing personal information even when you haven’t been asked, you’re probably sharing too much. The over-sharers are often very open about their personal problems, and thrive on drama. The risk in constantly volunteering stories about your personal life is that these stories (or you) can become the subject of ridicule at work. Try to leave your personal issues outside of work. When you’re at work, really BE at work. Learn to channel the stresses you experience in your personal life into productivity in your professional one.

Habit 10: Always Taking Things Personally


Aim for success not perfection ~Dr. David M. Burns

Sometimes we interpret harmless feedback as a personal attack. It’s not easy to swallow criticism, even if it isn’t meant to be critical of us. The intent is usually constructive and aims to help you excel in what you do. Keep telling yourself that the intent is not to demean or hurt your feelings but to help you grow, learn and improve.

Much of our life has been pre-programmed by our past behavior, but that doesn’t mean we’re unable to change our paths. It’s only once we’ve recognized our patterns and behaviors that we can work to replace our negative routines, with positive ones. As Aristotle says, “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”

 

Source: http://www.halogensoftware.com/blog/bad-habits-at-work-you-dont-know-you-have/

Jun 2 2012

Conflict Resolution

“We cannot make someone responsible for how we feel”.  Gwen Randall-Young

This is a very useful clip by Gwen Randall-Young that inspires one on how to resolve conflicts in a positive and healthy way. The same negative pattern of dealing with conflict – regardless of all shapes and forms it takes – leads to the same results, i.e. not resolving the conflict and may even escalate the situation.

Some of the factors contributing to a negative pattern in resolving conflict are:

- Taking things personally.

- Reacting with anger, resentment and judgement.

Gwen suggests empowering techniques that help us gain control of a situation by targeting specific behaviors and setting boundaries around them.

Allow yourself to be inspired by her wise suggestions.

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May 24 2012

Goodwill Thinking

Worry is a misuse of imagination. Dan Zadra

What I have learned from life and coaching is that most people spend more time worrying about troubles than actually thinking of preventing them from happening, or handling them positively after they do. Additionally, what I have learned from my Emotional Intelligence training and research into the brain science is that the tiny amygdala glands, located at the back of our brains, are responsible for having us react to physical as well as non-physical threats in a similar way, and sometimes in the same severity.

One of the main challenges of this age we live in is that most threats (dangers or calls for fear) are distant non-physical ones. They are likely to be perceived more intellectually than through our senses. Yet, our brains are still reacting towards them with similar kinds of chemical messages triggered throughout our bodies. In the past, when a stone man saw a lion, he would consider that an immediate threat, and would respond to it with an instant flight. However, nowadays, if matters related to the success of our work performance, or survival of our business goes badly, we may perceive them as an immediate threat, of which we remain stressed out for a while, even though we may be enjoying the safety and warmth of our homes or offices.

When a stone man fled the danger of facing a lion, he was releasing the built-up tension through physical activity (like running). Physical activity not only offered him an escape from an immediate threat, but also balanced out the adrenalin effect with other feel-good hormones that are normally triggered upon working out, walking, etc. On the other hand, the office person may not get the opportunity to release his/her tension the same way a stone man would. We rarely see a businessman in a suit running down the street. An employee’s feelings of fear may not find a immediate way to channel them out, like a physical activity, due to time restraint and the restrictions of social codes of proper demeanor. In fact, an employee may have a heart attack while sitting in front of his/ her own computer. Even though it is not a lion that might have scared them, but rather a perceived danger that equals to them a similar fear of death.

On the other hand, when fear sustains or builds up on daily basis without a proper channel to release it out, or proper mental contemplation of all the dimensions of the causing factors and possible ways to improve the situation, it turns into a constant stress and prevailing anxiety, which can be described as a prolonged case of perceived danger. If the brain and body think they are constantly being exposed to danger, each day a flood of chemicals will continue to expand its negative effects on them without proper re-channeling of these negative feelings, and this may lead to dangerous health problems.

Therefore, what is required from all of us who live in this day and age, is a positive/ productive perspective, with which we can balance out the modern, complex and stressful challenges. A proper shift in perspective can prove very powerful when it comes to solving a problem. New solutions unfold before our eyes that we may have never thought of before. Although fear (stress) as an instinctive reaction had been built in inside us to help us survive and protect ourselves from danger, thinking while one is relaxed is much more fruitful and successful in supporting us to survive and overcome our troubles.

All of us have problems, but we rarely think of them as positive differentiators from the rest of the people, since our problems tell a story about our lives, they tend to make us unique in that respect, for they can better equip us to handle them as they happen, and allow us to help others who go through similar challenges. Our problems endow our experiences with authenticity. You may not accept advice from someone who has never tasted the same pains you had in the past. Rather, you may be more prone to believing in someone who had been through the same obstacles and problems as you have, and has overcome them successfully in a way that you admire.

Many people may look at their past with a degree of sadness, regret, anger or frustration. Few are the ones who would relate to you the positive side of past experiences. Others may only remember the bad incidents. That can be the result of the significance of their emotional memories of those bad events. On the other hand, changing previously formed underlying beliefs may feel fearful to many of us, even though it may be to our benefit. I have commonly noticed among many people I have spoken with that it is easier and more reassuring for them to hold on to past negative memories and beliefs than committing to new positive perspectives. These people rarely stop to realize that by holding on to past negative emotional memories, they are subconsciously perpetuating the past negative effect of those memories, and refreshing them inside our brains to an extent that we can almost immediately recover all the feelings associated with them. Holding on to past negative underlying beliefs is like convincing ourselves of a fake sense of safety, out of fear of change. For instance, the more we hang on to fearful or hurtful memories, we are falsely protecting ourselves from potential similar experiences in the future. Rather, we are subconsciously sustaining our sadness, pain, hurt, or fear, and may be rejecting the opportunity of a possible and more positive change.

So dragging one’s fears from the past into the present all along to the future, we are not leaving space for unknown future outcomes, which may be positive indeed. Stressing over a matter for a long time, wastes one’s energy, instead of harboring it. This may not be the best formula for achieving future success or happiness, as it does not lead us to feel empowered in the field we wish to seek happiness from. Life’s happenings are fast and many, so if we couple that with the heavy burdens from the past (namely fears, pains, negative perspectives, etc.), then we are setting ourselves for disappointment, falling as prey for stronger competitors, and losing faith in whatever it is that we wish to achieve in life. Time has proven that in times of ordeal, stronger species continue to exist. Strong does not mean “devoid of fear”, but rather “acting productively to overcome fear”.

One of the examples of strong personalities in movies was Scarlet O’hara, who had been through almost every embarrassing situation on the face of the earth, but constantly managed to get out of it with grace, beauty and much pride. One of the sentences that she  constantly repeated whenever she was feeling stressed, overwhelmed or burdened by something was: “I can’t think about that right now. If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow.” (imdb.com) What a powerful statement! Not only can she purposefully disconnect from her miserable present, she can also control when she would want to think again about it. Wouldn’t this make you realize that feelings, thoughts or even actions are merely choices that we make? Why we make them the way we do is a different case, but they are – at the end of the day – choices. Isn’t this perspective more empowering than feeling blocked or victimized by others? Notice what kind of energy fills you when you realize that you can make more powerful/ positive choices, even with the way you feel about things!

This is where the importance of harboring the habit of goodwill thinking becomes important. Goodwill Thinking is being able to see the positive side of things, regardless of their negativity, and contributing that to the belief that something better is being set up for us in the horizon. The opposite of Goodwill Thinking is Progressive Bitterness towards life, God, or whatever it is that people may deem responsible for their misery.

Generally, in life, when we do what we have got to do, there isn’t really much we can do next to control the outcome of our actions. However, if we change our perspective from a negative one into believing that there is a bigger, stronger and more fair force in the world that has been responsible for ages for maintaining immaculate balance in the entire universe, with all the living and non-living elements it contains, we then may feel supported and privileged that whatever happens – even negative happenings – are there to teach us valuable life lessons. Some lessons may have been harsh or cruel, but with a proper contemplation of the possible lessons derived from them, one may be able to salvage him/ herself or others as a result of this knowledge. When we help others, we help ourselves. Therefore, these lessons came to our as well as others’ benefit. Most people may not believe this, but if they view their experiences from a kind perspective, they may stop judging life, God, or whatever it is that made them miserable. Rather, upon accepting kind thoughts, one then can feel even more powerful, successful and effective.

Goodwill Thinking is the habit of interpreting life’s events from a positive perspective, and trying to maintain hope by seeing them as valuable lessons to use in our future actions. Having faith in a much stronger force frees us from feeling trapped, subdued and pressured to control every single detail or predict their outcome in our lives. On the other hand, this is not to exclude self-responsibility as a key factor in achieving the results we wish to achieve. However, after doing everything we can, and following the plan we had set for our actions, there isn’t much we can do next to control their outcome. We may then want to believe that even if we do not get the desired results, there may be a better alternative awaiting us.

If we trust that the strong and fair force in the world will eventually grant us the results we had planned for or even something better, we may then feel more settled and at peace (i.e. achieving a positive closure of the past so we can start afresh or moving towards the future with optimism). If we do not get what we want, we can either interpret this as the thing we had sought after for a while was never good for us in the first place, or that something else needs to be done to get to it. Things happen for a reason, and no matter how much we stress about achieving them, things continue to fall in their right places.

Every evening I turn my worries over to God. He’s going to be up all night anyway. Mary C. Crowley

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